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If you thought the Great Glass Elevator was great…

October 4, 2010

“Umm… please be gentle…”

Billy Katagiri, Gundam 00 The Movie: Awakening of the Trailblazer

WARNING THIS IS A LOOSELY-WRITTEN POST THAT SERVE TO NITPICK, MOCK AND SIMULTANEOUSLY PRAISE THE MOVIE AND WILL CONTAIN PLOT POINTS. IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY COARSE LANGUAGE, SPOILERS AND PATRICK COLASOUR, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST.

FAILURE TO READ INSTRUCTIONS AND LATER ENGAGE IN COMPLAIN INCESSANTLY WILL WARRENT A FULL-BODY BEATING BY KIRA YAMATO, SHINN ASUKA AND ATHRUN ZALA WITH INFLATABLE LACUS DOLLS.


Yes, the movie was serious shit, but sometimes, it was as damn funny as hell.

I mean, we started out with a movie in a movie that made Tieria a loli (I think!), Allelujah was a GIRL!, Lockon was played by Bright Motherlovin’ Noah (THOSE SQUINTY EYES, THEY BURN INTO YOUR SOUL) and I SWEAR to whomever is listening up there now that Setsuna had SIDEBURNS. Not your normal sideburns, but those that super robot heroes from the ’70s and ’80s had that made them so hot-blooded. And the Alvatore had a dragon tail. All ye GMs, rejoice, for ye savior hath cometh…. eh I guess not. Not especially since the crew filling in for the real McCoys seemed to be taking piloting inspiration from Gravion, Gurren-Lagann and GaoGaiGar. That movie was serious shit and everyone who wasn’t part of the main crew seem to like their spittle all over their visors. Fuckin’ hilarious. They should make a  separate show out of it like what they did with Genshiken, which spawned Kubijiki Unbalance.

Ah Billy, you are one lucky bastard.

“Meena Carmine”, huh? My god you sick ponytailed fag, you dumped Sumeragi for this 36-24-36 loli lookalike? You never even knew Nena Trinity in the first place! AND WHAT IS THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOUR DOMINATING GIRLFRIEND! She like, totally has you around her little finger man! The next time she needs something from you, all she needs is to shift her legs a little, and you be all “N232QYV %wjk$^inbuw%e$vub5NWvt c4#bU25UV3B”QY5U4BY34 B”. I mean seriously, Meena Carmine is as hot as, sounds and LOOKS exactly like Season 1 Nena Trinity. So I guess Billy was so affected by his past love live that he decided to hit a bit lower…

Or else Meena is actually Gears of War Carmine’s long-lost dimension-hopping sister. Replace Locust with ELS, and DING! Microwaved story ready-for-cinemas.

AAAAAAAAALLELUJAH, AAAAAAAAAAALLELUJAH, ALLELUJAH, ALLELUJAH… ok, you get the point.

Did you see him do all those crazy stunts? The only other people in the Gundamverse that can match him are Judau Ashta, Garrod Rand (who is widely believed to actually be an alternate-universe reincarnation of Judau) and Fon Spaak. Heero doesn’t count because he’s trained for it (he actually moves like a brick/robot) and and the entire main cast of Gundam SEED Astray all fit the criteria, so that’s too many participants. They’re all seeded (no pun intended) for the Most Badass Crazies Tournament though.

FUCK YOU TIERIA. NO SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU. I EAT YOUR RAPHAEL; I EAT IT ALL!

You had a good mobile suit, you had the fans by the balls wondering why in blazes would the Raphael be using Tau Drives (which of course only confirmed that CB lost two of their precious GN nuts after Season 2), AND YOU BLEW IT, LITERALLY. I mean sure, it’s a movie, we can’t have too many mobile suits clogging up the screen, BUT YOU TURNED THE RAPHAEL INTO A FREAKING MUJAHEDEEN JIHADIST. I thought that was Setsuna’s job!

That explains why the Trap System this time for Gundam Raphael is a simple role-switch from Seravee Gundam. I was so, so sure Tieria was going to scream “ELGO FORME!” and rip his shirt off before doing what must be the most traplicious reference to Gravion ever as Raphael’s backpack becomes additional armor and guns… well, at least we’re getting that one this season with SRWOGs: The Inspectors. So much for overestimating the King of Traps. Also, since Setsuna and Tieria are now together in the Qan[T]… yaoi much? Poor Mileina will be heartbroken.

Gawdammit Setsuna, you are FUCKING AWESOME.

Oh no look, it’s a Ribbons! Leg shots not working? Shoot that illegally traplicious body! Still no catch? Shoot that bishonen head! Nope? FIRE IN THE HOLE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. It gets real morbid when you realize that Setsuna, guns, and plastic explosives are a good plot mix. Betcha’ Neil Dylandy would be proud of the lil’ bugger. And what is this about a Flag with a sword? I mean Setsuna I… I… Fuck that. You’re fucking awesome. Or would be, actually, if you didn’t have a skull thicker than bunker doors when it comes to your love life. Than again with how the movie turned out, maybe it’s better that you stayed single, you crazy Terminator wannabe.

FUCK YOU PATRICK COLASOUR CAN YOU FUCKING DIE?!

No, I guess not. Shit man, even Patrick himself was resigned to his death, and once again the director intervenes! SWEET FUCKIN’ CHEESESTICKS!!! THE IMMORTAL COLASOUR STRIKE AGAIN! FUCKING FUCK FUCKITY FUCK!

FUCKING FIN FUNNELS HOW DO THEY WORK?!

No freakin’ shit man, it seems that now almost everyone has the ability to use GN Fangs or some variation thereof. The only possible exception is Setsuna, where the Qan[T] never saw much action in the first place. His GN Sword Bits act more like a hyperspace gate generator than weapons. This is more than made up for by the rest of the mobile suits, where ironically, Tieria Erde, the only non-human all the way from Season 1 amongst all of them, is the one with the least number of Fang-like weapons (but they look so fucking capable of destruction, mmm-hmm). Lockon has two Haros to watch over his rain of death, and Harute is being piloted KONTORORU-ed by two people, both of whom are supersoldiers, and it has Fangs too. Mmm.

On that note, while the Fang spam is limited to certain named people only, everyone can now use Trans-Am. That’s right. You see that GN-XIV? IT CAN USE TRANS-AM. You see that Brave? IT CAN USE TRANS-AM. I bet the Flag tanks they mounted onto the ships as a desperate turret measure can fuckin’ use Trans-Am as well. It’ll be like GYAAA TRANS-AM PEW PEW PEW FUCKIN’ LAZOR-COATED RAILGUN ROUNDS YOU ALIEN BITCHES AND TRANS-AM MAKES MY TANK TREADS SPACE-WORTHY YOU SHITHEADS KABOOM GYA HA HA HA. The good side though, it that Andrei Srminov used Trans-Am and the self-destruct button to die in a most awesomely manner. Less so for Graham, because I would rather he have been alive to muse about his gay pride for Setsuna after the battles so that we can all go “Oh Aker, you ‘lil loverboy.”

WOOPS; ZAT VAS INNOVATOR!

By the way, who was Descartes Sherman again? Oh yeah. Sorry bro, shit happens.

All in all, many thanks to you, the reader,  for being so patient. Next up… maybe I’ll do a week-by-week review of Gunpla Builders? Hmm, randoseru, yeah?

… … Yum.

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4 comments

  1. Good point about the last one. I forgot to mentioned that back there. Descartes was practically non-existent by the second half of the movie. After getting nomed by the ELS, I was expecting him to come back in teh form of a ‘mutant alien innovator thing’ that would pose a great threat to Setsuna’s overall plan. But nope. Not even to show off the GN sword IV’s buster form. =/


  2. If they wanted that, they would have named Descartes “Decca-chan” and turned him into a jailbaiting moeblob for more emotional impact. As it stands, I don’t feel much emotional impact from a cool, cool gangsta-boy.

    Well, maybe a bit. But not as much as for Tieria. 😉


  3. Hit a bit lower? Dude, Billy just upgraded from Volvo to a Mercedes. Besides, he is a borderline pedo and likes them young. I’m not surprised at all.


  4. What, I’m sure Sumeragi is definitely older than Meena.

    Or I think. Anime has ruined my ability to make good judgement calls on people’s ages.

    Well Meena fits him like a glove anyway. He looks like a bike, and bikes are meant to be ridden. I doubt Sumeragi liked bike-guys.



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