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Healthcare for everyone? Security, there’s a Commie in my office!

May 12, 2010

“The massacre has everything to do with you. The fact that you’re wearing the same uniform is proof of that!”


With the recent attack by the Mobile Refinery, Silent Stronghold created the Blue Shield Initiative, recorded by B-07 as OPERATION: SHIT-HIT-FAN. This new defense plan would strengthen the defensive and offensive options of Hangar Bay B-07, Silent Stronghold, and the Muppet’s Republic of Freedom For Mudkips in order to repel the entities known as Mobile Refinery Mammoth and Mobile Refinery Leviathan.

Silent Stronghold, under the Blue Shield Initiative, recently proposed a  weapons test for the upcoming offensive against the Mobile Refineries. Here they shall be recounted in semi-detailed summary.

Initiative Weapons Test #1: The G.U.S.T.A. [Gyrobased Ultimate Static Tactical Approach] Cannon

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As you can see here, the GUSTA Cannon has incredible power, capable of destroying a nuclear reactor in a single direct hit where a nuclear strike would not even faze th aforementioned structure. The GUSTA Cannon will also ignite all infantry in a 1337 AOE and will recharge all allied Dagon gun units in the vicinity of the same AOE. It does not require a moon-based microwave emitter, Minoskvy reactor, Neutron Jammer Canceller, copious amounts of fire or courage, and best of all, it’s powered by pleasure. That’s right, folks. The Blue Shield Initiative’s first firepower innovation is a cannon running off orgasm power. Sleek.

Well, maybe not orgasm power, but as can be seen here, if anyone took pleasure at the carnage depicted and immediately had his brain harvested and put into the Cannon’s spark chamber, the power output of the Cannon would be only below the Death Star and Bungie’s anti-sun slingshot.

Alternatively one can power the GUSTA Cannon with 4 AAA batteries and by burning 2 issues of Playboy in its spark chamber.

Note: The demonstration shown was done with 1 AAA battery and 2 pages of Playboy.

GUSTA Cannon Stats

Primary: 4000 dmg (Type Hero) on a targeted unit or structure, + 600 dmg for every page of Playboy. Affected by Black King’s Bar.

Secondary: 900 dmg/s (Type Pure) to all infantry in an AOE of 1337 for 1 second, + 400 dmg for every page of Playboy. Affected by Black King’s Bar.

Barrel Length: ME GUSTA!

Chamber Pressure: ME GUSTA!

Ammunition Type: ME GUSTA!

Cost: ME GUSTA!

Power Requirements: Minimum 1 AAA battery

Cooldown: 400 seconds

Deployment Requirements: You must select Falsez The Muppet as your CO during play and have at least $5471 war funds and 1000 power. It will be available upon the completion of your faction’s Battle Lab (Allies), Battle Lab (Soviets), Battle Lab (Yuri), Big Pond (Mudkips), Moe Generator (Silent Stronghold), Obelisk of Futami x2  (B-07), or Static Gold Refinery (Mobile Refinery). After building, the structure will not be available on the field, but rather the GUSTA icon will keep flashing briefly on your minimap screen. Double-clicking will allow you to target something.

Initiative Weapons Test #2: The REACTOOOOOOOOOR CRAAAAAAAASH!!!!!!!!!!!!11111oneoneone

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The Reactor Crash is another defensive measure put forth by the Blue Shield Initiative. Utilizing the happy and overfed inhabitants of Guantanamo Bay, it allows for the rapid construction of up to 40 reactors in a single area. And that’s as much as 4 tens.

The Reactor Crash is not so much an offensive ability than a desperate, if very much sadistic defensive option and cheap method of supplying a base with power. The reactors constructed over an area cannot be blocked; they can be constructed even with units over the ground, pushing them aside, and anywhere and everywhere else except the sea. These can then be detonated at one’s choosing and then rapidly constructed again. Imagine passing over a grass field, only for the space to be replaced by reactors rising out of the ground with an extremely loud ticking noise.

The REACTOOOOOOOOOR CRAAAAAAAASH!!!!!!!!!!!!11111oneoneone Stats

Primary: 1000 dmg (Type Chaos) in an AOE of 400 per Reactor. -40 dmg per 100 distance away from the reactor; that is,  if anyone’s stupid enough to activate the ability before the enemy walks over your crash zone. Silences and Amplifies any units in AOE for 10 seconds.

Secondary: 600 dmg/s (Type Chaos) to almost all ground units in an AOE of 1000 for 6 second, – 40 dmg per 100 distance away from the center point of the explosion. Silences and Amplifies any units in AOE for 10 seconds, stacks with upgrade “Radiance Broadcasting Radar Tower”. Cannot damage Desolator Troopers and girls below the age of 16 (as of yet untested).

Barrel Length: –

Chamber Pressure: –

Ammunition Type: –

Cost: 4000 ore, 22 mana and week-old takoyaki needed per cast.

Power Requirements:

Cooldown: 100 seconds, + 50 seconds per Reactor left standing after initial detonation. Remaining Reactors stack with second use of ability.

Deployment Requirements: You must select Sgt. NoOb or Felderich Jack Ronde de Bushcown as your CO during play and have at least 1050 power. If Sgt. NoOb is selected, you must press the following key combo within 15 seconds:

ABABBABAAA^^^ABACDDvv>><<>>vv^^>>^^AABCDAABBAA

And then select Raul Guredan from the 40 characters displayed. Currently, as the coding has not yet been completed, selecting Fiona Guredan, Desponiz, Ami Futami, Mami Futami, The Juggernaut, Kira Yamato, Frodo Baggins, Yo-sucka bin Faildin, Gay-Pride Stalin or Gay-Pride Hitler will cause your units to suffer -10% in firepower and increase your Prism Tower/Tesla Tower/Gatling Gun/Muddy Hose/-tan Cannon/Futami Beam Tower/Ore Flinger damage power to 667 dmg per hit (Type Pure). Selecting any other character will give you various other abilities that have yet to be coded and will thus do nothing.

If Bushcown is selected, do a barrel roll and continue gameplay as normal.

It will be available upon the completion of your faction’s Battle Lab (Allies), Battle Lab (Soviets), Battle Lab (Yuri), Big Pond (Mudkips), Moe Generator (Silent Stronghold), Obelisk of Futami x2  (B-07), or Static Gold Refinery (Mobile Refinery). The ability cannot be built, but rather will make itself available via Raul Guredan replacing your minimap. The minimap will only reappear when the ability has been used. It can be switched off by not selecting a character, in which case, I hope one is happy constructing 40 reactors the long and hard way.

Initiative Weapons Test #3: The Terror Convention 2010

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Similar to the Reactor Crash, the TerrorCon is a mass gathering of explosives in one place. They can be deployed within a minute and arrive in all manner of transport to prevent all being shot down at the same time.

And while the Reactor Crash can’t move, the TerrorCon can. START RUNNING, FAGS!

The Terror Convention 2010 Stats

Primary: 400 dmg (Type Normal) in an AOE of 40 per Cuba Terrorist. Silences and Amplifies any surviving units in AOE for 10 seconds. Units are delivered via airdrop, airliner, helicopters, trucks, tuk-tuks, personal teleporters, Spirit dropships, Chrono Shifts, Man Cannons, Failboat, Nice Boat, storks and the TerrorCon Pooper Van.

Secondary: When alive, summoned terrorists will give 50% Command/Devotion/Endurance/Brilliance/Vampiric/Immolation/Cleave Aura in a 400 AOE for infantry and 10% aura for all units. Commando units will receive 200% aura bonuses and 400% movespeed. The effect will wear off from remaining terrorists once initial detonation is achieved and will not return until next use of ability.

Barrel Length: –

Chamber Pressure: –

Ammunition Type: –

Cost: 1 ore per cast.

Power Requirements:

Cooldown: 20 seconds, + 0.1 second per Terrorist not consumed after initial explosion left standing after initial detonation. Remaining Reactors stack with second use of ability. The structure Giant Osama Plushie will be made available once requirements have been met and must be built to make the ability available.

Deployment Requirements: You must select General Raisha Godsend/Nicolia as CO during play. If Gen. Raisha is selected, you will need a Barracks(Allies), Barracks(Soviets), Barracks(Yuri), Breeding Pond (Mudkips), All-Girls High School (Silent Stronghold), Pokeman Centre (B-07) or a Man-Refinery (Mobile Refinery).

If Nicolia is selected, this power will only be useable when army type is Silent Stronghold and will require a Moe Generator (Silent Stronghold) and All-Girls High School (Silent Stronghold). All terrorists summoned can do the Moe Moe Kyun and have 150% increased movespeed/HP/armor and are damaged only by anti-infantry weapons.

Alternatively you can select Soviet Cuba and build 2010 terrorists with your own ore, if you’re not picky about the aura.

As well, the Blue Shield Initiative also entails the testing of several weapons. While we cannot account for the individual actions of our soldiers when in a simulation exercise, we CAN account for the leaders of your respective organizations during said exercises.

B-07 has now officially adopted the Ninja Sword/Semi-Auto Pistol as the official sidearm of its armed forces, and the AK-47 as its main rifle.

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And lastly, for a laugh.

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One comment

  1. I heard the leftover Radioactive Pop from Terrorcon was used to give the Gusta Cannon its gamma ray radiance. =4



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