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WAZZUP DOOD, IMMA STICK YA TO THE WALL WITH MY GLIDIN’ RAM, YO!

August 13, 2009

“I’m not going to leave the two of you here. I’m not leaving.”


Today I shall introduce a few people from the Earth I live in. Specifically, it’s the Earth from Universe No. #113-34[T-1337], but I’m not supposed to tell you that in the face of divine, parallel-dimensional punishment involving leeks, my rear end, and a taser.

First up are the main faces of the people in the Hangar Bay B-07. From left to right, there’s The Commodore, second-in-command Max Kenny, close-combat expert Joseph “Thunder” Rimm, team sniper Jemme “Surveyor” Rush, old man mechanical genius Gen, and me, who works as an intel officer of sorts with them.

hangar bay ppl

Then there’s de Bushcown and cybetronic catgirl sidekick Nomo, whom we’ve declared a truce following the launch of the NOMO PHOTOBOOK Issue #1, with pictures and publishing done by everyone’s favourite Felderich Jack Ronde. But don’t tell Nomo, she doesn’t know.

bushcown nomo

Then there’re other people. Several of significance are The Butcher and Falsez, who are frequent visitors of the bloody arena known as Garena, not to mention the good people from dannychoo.com and all the other websites I visit and the people I meet everyday while out from the base.

guerillas

Then there’s close ally General Raisha of the Silent Stronghold, along with his right-hand man woman Nicolia.

raicola

While life has been relatively peaceful if not as hectic as watery shit swirling down the toilet bowl during a flush as hell, I must regretfully muse about the fact that there will always be an enemy to fill in the power vacuum left behind. Intel has not been able to find much, but we, or at least me, Gen. Raisha, Falsez, The Butcher as well as Earth Federation High Command have gotten wind of a new faction invading our boarders. They’re not allied with each other, but their faction power and army strength is overwhelming to the point of brokeness absurdity.

bangsmoke

Their codenames are Izanicus and Retanica. Both Commanding Officers are experts in anti-everything combat, but while Retanica’s tactics require a bit more deciphering and are less devastating if more frequent, Izanicus is downright horrific. Their current goals are unknown, but based on testimonials from various people and soldier reports, the two of them seem hell-bent on the destruction of order and sanity in the land, as well as (in Izanicus’ views) establish their own religion  focused on the implementation of good English. Retanica seems to prefer a religion of slang, however.

Izanicus is known for pursuing his enemy relentlessly, constantly hounding the target(s), until the prey, tired, falls into his hands. Based on footage gotten at the cost of many infantrymen, Izanicus is slightly not right in the mind and more often than not cannot be reasoned with. He will apply his own judgment to everything else he sees and hears and is more than happy to grind under foot whomever fails to see his twisted logic. He has more than once, with his relentless thrist for blood and senselessness and nothing else, outfought what was supposed to be his sure defeat and then proceeded to pound our forces flat. He must be stopped at all costs, short of nuking him.

Statistics:

– Ht ??? ft

– Wt ??? mkg

– Girth ??? inches

– CO Power: Insanity

Causes all (I REPEAT ALL) infantry on the field to suffer 30% decrease in firepower and defense. The speakers of your DS become mute for 3 seconds. HEHEHE

– Super CO Power: Retardation

All units on the field (I REPEAT ALL) suffer a -2 in movement range. Firepower and defense of all infantry drop by 50%, and all enemy infantry within hearing distance of his HQ are instantly destroyed and if so, his CO bar refills accordingly to the number of infantry killed by next turn. Your DS speakers are muted for 5 seconds, and if this CO move is executed more than 3 times in 15 minutes, your DS will be permanently damaged. HEHEHE

Retanica is the less deadly of the two, instead dealing more material damage. Being an expert in intel he often feeds copious amounts of misleading information to enemy forces or simply jams their network, forcing our forces to either retreat or risk annihilation by Izanicus, whose advance, while haphazard, is quite obviously aimed at the heart of our operations. He is an equally dangerous target, and should be eliminated preferably through stand-alone strike teams with minimal team communication.

Statistics:

– Ht ??? ft

– Wt ??? mkg

– Girth ??? inches

– CO Power: Repeat

All enemy units repeat their previous order, but in backwards. Once they have done so, they will lose all fuel and ammo the nex turn.

– Super CO Power: Information Flood

All units have their sight range in Fog Of War reduced to 1. In addition, all units deal 1HP damage to ajacent units regardless of affiliation and have a -1 in movement range and -25% in firepower and defense. Will destroy your game cartridge if executed more than thrice in half an hour.

This are all current known statistics. Gen. Raisha, who is compiling whatever new information he has gained over the week, will provide more details as to how two such dangerous COs can be vanquished for good from MuppetLand. Or at least rage about them and how they affect the stock market of sold sanity.

BTW YO, this is called a rant in disguise, WAZZUP, goodbye DOODS, have a trippin’ day.

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2 comments

  1. hahaz. a nice one…

    update me with the sequel!!


  2. I LOLed hard at that! Only begun the Retarded war has. XD



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